


Caffeine

by BlueTigerTime



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Gen, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, caffeine deprived humans, gamzee mentioned - Freeform, kanaya turns on when shes nervous ;), meteorfic, peace and quiet deprived trolls, rainbow drinker kanaya, troll words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-15 06:59:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4597209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueTigerTime/pseuds/BlueTigerTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat dumps out a pot of coffee and pays the price.</p><p>Rose and Dave are threatening even when half-asleep.</p><p>Kanaya is just trying to keep everyone calm, honestly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caffeine

**Author's Note:**

> Guess???? sECRET sANTa fiC. karkan was the ship, so i wrote it pale and stuck it on the meteor.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you hate everyone.

Especially these assholes that are constantly bothering you at ridiculous times. Dave is a major offender. Usually, most people understand that if one is in one’s room watching a particularly sad rom-com, it is inappropriate to burst in with a rap whose beat was dropped by some other human President Of The United States, whatever that means. Or enter the room when one is trying to have a feelings jam with the apparent need to have a specific romcom right that damn second.

Damn humans and their diurnal sleep cycles.

Actually, no.

You would like to rephrase your previous sentiment.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you hate humans who take too much coffee too early and get too hyped up,

_cough DAVE cough_

_actually, now that you think about it, Lalonde could afford to cut back too_

which is why you thought it would be perfectly acceptable to throw out the entire coffee pot and its contents.

Admittedly, that might have been a mistake on your part.

_god knows you make a shitload of those_

However, you regret nothing.

Or, at least, you regretted nothing until you heard from Kanaya.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
GA: I Suggest You Run  
GA: Rose Is Looking For You And She Doesnt Seem Happy  
GA: I Dont Think She Wants To Have A Discussion  
GA: At Least Not A Civil One  
CG: HOW ANGRY COULD SHE BE?  
CG: SHE’S NOT THAT SCARY DRUNK.  
CG: SHE CAN HARDLY FUCKING WALK.  
GA: Thats The Thing  
GA: Shes More Sober Than Ive Seen Her In A While  
CG: SO?  
GA: Karkat  
GA: She Is  
GA: And I Quote  
GA: “Going to kill him slowly with one of his idiotic, illogical, plot-hole-ridden pieces-of-shit-he-calls romcoms."  
CG: BESIDES HAVING NO TASTE WHATSOEVER IN ROMCOMS, I DON’T SEE WHY I SHOULD BE PANICKING.  
GA: Damnit Karkat  
GA: She Took Her Needles With Her  
CG: …

You take a moment to shoot the entrance a look. The wide, thick steel door gazes back at you, large and foreboding. You turn back to the screen.

GA: Karkat  
GA: Dont Tell Me Shes Already Got You  
GA: Now What Am I Supposed To Do With Your Romcom Collection  
CG: FIRST OFF.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: WATCH YOUR STEP, MARYAM.  
CG: WATCH HOW YOU TALK ABOUT MY ROMCOMS.  
CG: BUT LIKE I WAS ABOUT TO SAY.  
CG: I’M FUCKED AREN’T I?  
GA: Like I Said  
GA: You Should Run  
GA: And I Suppose Your Romcoms Have Some Use  
GA: As Tools With Which To Bludgeon Your Enemies To Death  
CG: <>  
GA: <>  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

With that optimistic conversation in mind, you’d grabbed a book

_one of your marvelous romance tales, thank you for asking_

and made your way to the living room. The plan was to make a pile of soft materials like pillows and blankets, and just hide. Maybe sprinkle salt around the room and chant incantations for warding off demons.

That plan quickly fell apart when you walked in the door and nearly got nailed in the face by a bucket.

No.

You are not kidding.

You proceeded to stay in your crouched position when a tome that was bigger than your goddamned head whizzed past you, close enough that you could read the fucking title.

_it’s one of your trashy wild-vacillation books._

_piece of shit idiotic romcoms your ass, you knew she liked them._

“WHAT-" You start screaming, blood-pusher pounding in your ears, arms over your head, before your assailant suddenly hisses back.

“you piece of shit!" Dave roars. You stare at his disheveled appearance- cape a mess, shades askew, hair like he just got attacked by a vicious vacuum cleaner.

“I JUST-"

This time, Rose cuts you off.

“I. Will. Hurt. You."

You can't even form words.

_how bad could it possibly be to be without blood-pumper-attack levels of caffeine for a day?_

Your legs, however, apparently understand what's going on better than you do, because they turn you around and launch you out into the hallway. On your way out, you nearly collide with the doorway before somehow sliding your way past it. Your first obstacle successfully avoided, you start running down the previously-mentioned corridor, nearly tripping in your haste.

For a moment, you think you're safe. You even high-five the Mayor as you get ever closer to your moirail's room.

Then there is a BANG CRASH and the most terrifying sound

_besides those damn honks_

you've ever heard rings out.

"VAAAAN TAAAAS!"

You squeal and run faster.

Behind you, you can hear them giving chase. You briefly remember Lalonde's needles and spin on your heels, deciding you might have a better chance calming them down.

"OKAY, WAIT, IN MY DEFENSE-"

That's all you get out before one hand clamps over your mouth, and one around your chest, yanking you backwards into darkness.

You didn't screech. The correct term is yell. An adult-like yell of absolute terror.

"Shhhhhhhh!" Some female voice

_thank god, for a second you thought it was_

hisses in your ear.

Unfortunately, you don't recognize the voice before you're flailing and trying to scream again. Through your panic, you register that you're being pulled down and backwards onto the ground.

"For Gods Sake, Karkat! Calm Down!" Kanaya whispers. You let yourself relax, letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Carefully, she removes her hand from around your mouth, and you shift your jaw, swallowing.

Your jaw cracks quietly. Kanaya flinches and flicks you upside the head, gently. You’re about to protest but go silent when footsteps are heard. You blink, press your cheek to the carpet and look underneath the door.

Dave’s red eyes look straight back at you.

You scream.

“karkaaaaaat…" He growls, and you stumble back as his hand reaches underneath the door.

Kanaya yanks you back by your shoulders, pulling you to her chest. The dark is suddenly lit up by her rainbow-drinker skin.

_huh. guess it turns on when she’s freaked out. learn something new every day._

She stands hurriedly as Strider and Lalonde start banging on the door, trying to get inside. She pulls you up and the both of you make your way through the halls, occasionally stumbling, helping each other up, and glancing back frantically.

Eventually, the sounds of angry raging die down, and the both of you lean against the wall, breathing hard.

“I Cannot Believe You." Kanaya says, brushing her hair out of her face and shooting you a look that says everything it needs to say.

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT’S HOW THEY WOULD REACT?" You retort, closing your eyes and tilting your head back against the cool steel wall. You can _almost_ hearher roll her eyes, but you do definitely hear her scoff.

The both of you rest for a few minutes in comfortable silence. At one point, you push yourself off the wall and walk to her, hugging her from behind and leaning your head onto her shoulder. She says nothing, lets you rest your eyes.

Eventually though, the both of you make your way back to her room

_very sneakily of course_

When the two of you arrive, you flop into her clothing pile face first, groaning in relief. A few minutes later, you feel the pile shift as she sits herself down daintily. You’re about to say something when you hear it.

Clicking, a _snickt,_ and music.

“OH MY GOD."

“What?"

“YOU’RE NOT SERIOUS."

“Completely."

“I ALMOST GOT CULLED TODAY BY THOSE TWO AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS GET OUT YOUR LUNCHTOP?"

“Youre Making This Sound Like Im Doing Something Wrong."

You groan and pull your arms over your head again, muffling your responses even more so than before.

“THAT WAS THE IDEA, YEAH."

“I Dont See Why Youre Mad At Me. All Im Doing Is Contacting Rose So That I May One Day Be Able To Leave This Room Without Being Annihilated"

“ARE YOU IMPLYING ALL THIS WAS MY FUCKING FAULT AND THAT YOUR PLAN IS TO GET _YOU_ OUT AND LEAVE ME HERE?"

You hear a quiet chuckle.

“Was It That Obvious?"

“FUCK YOU."

She laughs harder at that, but goes right back to the goddamn computer. You sigh heavily and turn yourself around so you can see her and glare at her better. She just stays hunched over her the aforementioned lunchtop, typing and pausing every so often.

This goes on for a little while.

A little while longer.

A while.

Long enough that you give up. 

Sitting up, you lean over her shoulder. She doesn’t say a word, too busy on Trollian. You watch as she is frantically trying to calm the two humans down.

TT: No, I don’t care.  
GA: He Didnt Know Youd Get So Angry  
TT: He hasn’t even apologized.  
GA: Hes Karkat  
TT: Dave thinks we should go teach him a lesson.

This isn’t looking good for you.

You turn around so you’re still leaning on her, but now looking at the ceiling. Carefully, you lean back so essentially your legs are over her shoulder and the rest of you is on her lap.

“KANAYAA."

“Im Busy."

“KANAYAAAA."

“For Goodness Sake."

You make a frustrated sound and look at her screen upside down. Fine, if she won’t listen to you verbally, you’ll have to take extreme measures.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  
CG: KANAYAAAAAA.

You look up from your cell and watch as the notification pops up on the lunchtop. Kanaya shifts and laughs softly, but you keep your pout on your face.

GA: Yes  
GA: What  
CG: PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

Kanaya carefully slings an arm over you to keep you in place and to keep you from falling.

GA: Im Busy Trying To Save You  
CG: BUT KANAYAAAAA.  
GA: But Kanaya What  
CG: I’M BORED.  
GA: Really  
GA: I Hadnt Noticed  
CG: SMARTASS.

You sigh again and Kanaya flicks you on the shoulder. You let your arms hang and in the process accidentally shift so you’re now fully on Maryam’s lap. She lets out a breath but relaxes when she sees you’re fine. New position acquired, you go back to your phone.

CG: I JUST WANTED SOME PEACE AND QUIET.  
GA: Did You Not Think To Ask Them To Stop Bothering You

You go quiet at that.

_that’s actually a pretty good idea why didn’t you do that_

Oh well. You scoff and shove her hand away when she reaches over you to type something snobby. She scoffs and shoves your hand right back. You roll your eyes.

“THAT’S MATURE."

“You Were Wondering Why You Hadnt Done That, Werent You."

With a groan of “hell no I wasn’t why would you ever think that", you turn around and push her into the pile, away from that damned computer.

She protests but you ignore her, instead nuzzling her as you shift to push your face into her shoulder. Her frustrated noises eventually die down, until she’s sitting up and trying to move around you so that she can play with your hair. You're moved face-down as she crosses her legs under your stomach. As she pokes and prods and styles and twirls your curls through her wiry fingers, she proceeds to start lecturing you teasingly.

“I Cant Believe You Threw Out Their Stimulant Drinks."

“I JUST WANTED-“

“I Know, But You Could Have Done That A Little Better."

You can’t disagree so you just make an angry noise.

“Dont Take That Tone Of Voice With Me Vantas."

You make it louder.

"Dont Push Me."

You grunt and groan obnoxiously.

"Just Remember You Forced My Hand."

"WHAT-" is all you get out before she makes good on her threat and wraps two fingers around your horns.

You squeak and flinch, but she puts her other hand on your back and starts rubbing in small, hypnotic circles. You close your mouth and push your knuckles into your jaw, trying to stop the purrs from leaving the sanctuary of your throat. She starts to knead the base of your short horns, firmly and maddeningly slow. You arch your head back into her hand, but she just giggles

_wow asshole just fucking_

and pulls her hand up.

"I Dont Think So."

A strangled growl leaves your lips and you lie back down, crossing your arms and laying your head on them. She laughs again and goes back to kneading.

You decide 'fuck pride' and purr, deep and rough. She trills in response, a soft sound. You close your eyes and hum under your breath.

-

An hour or so later, long after you'd fallen asleep, you groan and open one eye. There is a light somewhere, but it's soft enough that you close your eyes and it's fine. With a groan of gratitude, you burrow further into the warm pile, pulling your arms and legs close to your chest. You think you can hear metallic sounds, but they're far away and muffled. You make an angry noise anyway, with the hope that the sounds will go away and let you rest. The sounds stop, but start again, louder this time. Then, just as you go to complain, a hand brushes your back with feather-light touches.

You are not ashamed to say that yes, you did scream.

“Karkat Cut That Out" Kanaya whispers, pushing your head teasingly. You take a deep breath, but before you can start your tirade, she cuts you off.

“I Have Done Some Negotiating, And I Believe You Can Now Leave The Room Without Fearing For Your Life."

You make an approving noise and let yourself sink back into the pile.

“GOOD, BECAUSE I WAS READING SOMETHING AND I’D RATHER NOT HAVE TO SNEAK AROUND THE AIR DUCTS LIKE SOME KIND OF FUCKING SQUEAK-BEAST-"

_or like some kind of elusive vent-dwelling juggalo_

“-JUST TO FINISH A BOOK."

She laughs at that.

Maybe today wasn't such a bad day after all.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you suppose coffee is okay. 

As long as those who drink it stay far away from you and your moirail.

**Author's Note:**

> I remember that when I was writing this, I wrote half of it in this kid Walter's good ink pen. I wasted half the ink because I got distracted and started writing robot letter style because it was pretty and made pretty noises. To this day, I don't think he knows. People of the court, your fellow writer.
> 
> I had to redo this formatting three times and for three different reasons. I. Don't. EVER WANNA CODE AGAIN


End file.
